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 My
second birth could not have been more different from my first (see
"An Almost Homebirth on this website").
Two and a half years after my son's birth, and after much mental and
emotional preparation, I birthed my daughter at home in a birth pool
at the culmination of a short, intense labour.
I knew from the outset of my pregnancy that I wanted to do things
differently. I believe that birth has a large emotional and psychological
component, and it was this aspect of birth I wanted to focus on. My
mother's presence during Daniel's birth, her worry and my unconscious
concern for her emotional state, was, I feel, inhibiting to my progress.
Also, perhaps because with Daniel I was so overdue (2 ½ weeks),
or perhaps because I was aware of my mother's fears, I was concerned
to have feedback from very early on in my labour-I asked often how
I was doing, if I was progressing, etc. In retrospect it became obvious
to me that, rather than trusting my body and the baby, I was relying
on external reassurance.
I decided that I wanted my second birth to be more intuitive and trusting:
First, I wanted to surround myself with only the most positive information
and people. I read only positive homebirth stories; I talked about
the birth only with people whom I knew would support my choices. Second,
I set aside time to work on my own psychological and emotional states:
I meditated; I spent time talking to the baby about how I'd like the
birth to go; I had regular prenatal massages; and I saw a kiniesiologist
with the request that he help release any blocks I had physically
and/or emotionally which would interfere with an optimum birth experience.
In addition, I decided to labour as much as possible alone, and only
ask Akal to come when I felt I really needed support. We both agreed
that this time around I would try to 'own' the experience by relying
on my instincts, rather than seeking her prognoses and reassurance.
My pregnancy was tiring and marked by constant illness (possibly due
to a combination of a poor immune system and the hazard of having
a toddler who catches everything). As I had been 17 days overdue with
Daniel, I was prepared to wait past my due date for labour to start-however,
I was impatient to begin! Miraculously, the morning of my due date
I woke up with mild contractions coming about 30 minutes apart. I
didn't know if this was the real thing or not, so I just went with
the flow. Fortunately it was a Sunday, so my husband Jonathan was
home to help with Daniel (2 ½ y.o. at the time of the birth).
Mid-morning I emptied my bowels and then the contractions started
coming twenty minutes apart. They were quite mild, but I called Akal
just to give her a 'heads up.' As the day wore on the contractions
gradually came fifteen minutes apart, then ten. By about 2 p.m., when
they were coming about ten minutes apart, I was beginning to want
the house to myself in order to get into the right headspace. I knew
I would be having a baby in the next twenty-four hours. I asked Jonathan
to take Daniel to a friend's house.
 That's
when the fun began! I bounced through contractions on my big exercise
ball and listened to happy music; I walked around the house; I ate
something (I knew from the last time how I would lose my appetite
later, exactly when I would most need the fuel); I meditated; I read
stories from Spiritual Midwifery and I got onto the internet and read
some positive birth stories there. I called Akal once or twice more
to update her.
Around five p.m. My contractions went from interesting and exciting
(I was so happy to be having this baby!) to a bit intense. They were
about five or six minutes apart. I could still breathe through them
easily, but I wanted Jonathan to come home and start filling the blow-up
birth pool (an overlarge kiddie pool). I had organized for a friend,
Rowan, to look after Daniel at home (I wanted him to be home for the
birth assuming it was going well and he was happy to be there; we
had done a lot to prepare him and he was really excited to see mummy
in the water). I called Jonathan and asked him to come home with Daniel-he
wanted to stay a bit longer in order to feed Daniel dinner and give
him a bath so that he could go straight to bed when he got home (he
hadn't had a nap and was by then exhausted). I called Rowan to come
over to fill up the pool for me and be there for Daniel when he arrived.
Around 6 p.m., about when Rowan had begun filling the pool with
water, something shifted. I wanted Jonathan home immediately, and
I wanted Akal to be with me, too. I rang her and she said she was
out the door. Now I was making noise, groaning with each contraction.
I gratefully sank into the birth pool and held the hose, spraying
hot water right on my belly. I had to concentrate on each contraction
now, and all my very positive mental preoccupations fell away as
I lived the intensity of each wave. I said to Rowan, "well,
I hope this doesn't go on for too long!" Now that things had
heated up I was looking forward to it being over! I imagined hours
and hours of this, since that had been my experience last time.
Jonathan walked in the door at seven and Akal just ten minutes later.
Daniel came in, too, and was very excited to see me in the pool.
He watched me shout and groan through a few contractions, and then
said he'd like to go play with Rowan in the other room. First I
wanted the water really hot, since it helped with pain relief, then
I began to feel hotter and hotter and I just wanted the water cooler
(so we stopped adding hot water). At first I wanted hot packs, and
then I couldn't have cared less. I was reminded that nothing really
takes away the pain of labour, that the main thing is relaxing through
each surge so that the body can open. In this regard the water was
amazing. As opposed to last time, when I really couldn't seem to
find a comfortable position in which to labour through each contraction,
this time floating in the water really helped me release all tension
in my body. I held onto Jonathan with both arms so that I floated.
I held onto to him fiercely so that I could channel the pain and
tension into my grip and allow the rest of my body to float (apparently
I also bit him once or twice). Akal reminded me to breathe through,
which can be difficult when the urge is to hold your breath.
Throughout labour my contractions were coming every 2-3 minutes,
then every minute, but they never lasted long, only a minute or
so, sometimes shorter. I was aware of this, but never asked how
I was doing since everything felt fine and I knew I was progressing
well. Actually, despite the intensity of the pain at times, I was
really excited, and I felt great: energetic, empowered, calm. I
remember seeing Akal getting some of her kit together, something
to tie the umbilical cord with, and thinking, does she know something
I don't? She was behaving as if I were having a baby! I had lost
sight of that fact, as I assumed it might take some time and was
fully engrossed in concentrating on my uterus pushing the baby out.
Although I knew I was dilating well and was fully dilated or close-as
I could feel a mild pressure in my bottom-I could only really experience
the 'now' and had no capacity to relate to what would happen later.
 It
must have been around eight p.m. when Daniel came in again (we had
left the door open for him). He was very exhausted by now, but overexcited
by the events. I normally go to bed with him, and he began to get
upset when I said I couldn't take him to bed just then. I knew he
would fall asleep in the car straightaway, and asked Rowan to just
drive him around then transfer him to bed. She asked him if he wanted
to go to the playground and he got really excited by this idea (bear
in mind it was pitch black outside, but never mind!) At this point
he asked, after I yelled through a contraction, "what's wrong,
mummy?" I smiled and said, "Nothing darling, I'm just
having a baby." Then he cheerfully announced that he was going
to the playground with Rowan and that he'd see me later.
It couldn't have been much later when I had the urge to push. I
asked Akal to check my dilation now, as at Daniel's birth I had
had a cervical lip in the way and this time I just didn't want to
bruise anything by pushing against it. She checked, and I did have
a bit of a lip there, but she said it was very soft and I could
push anyway, but to wait until I absolutely felt I had to.
Finally I understood what all those books meant when they described
pushing as satisfying. Because I had had an epidural last time,
pushing had been all work. There was no pain from the contractions,
but neither was there any sense of relief or progress. It had seemed
to be the hardest physical work I had ever done-relentless physical
exertion. This time, with no pain relief the sensation was very
different. First, I felt an overwhelming urge to bear down (last
time I was told when to start pushing, and though I felt the urge,
it was nowhere near as strong). Second, it was amazingly satisfying:
the intense pain of the contraction melted away as I responded to
the sensation, so that with each strong push I felt the bliss of
painlessness. I put my finger inside myself and felt the bag of
waters bulging down. My mucous plug had only come out in the pool,
and my waters had not even broken! After a few more pushes I could
feel the head far down, still in its waters. Whereas Daniel had
seemingly been gripping the walls of the birth canal, resisting
with all his might, this little baby was torpedoing out. The next
thing I knew, I felt a mild stinging and then-it seemed so sudden-a
head was out!
There is nothing in the world like looking down and seeing a little
head sticking out between your legs, feeling a little face, knowing
that you are about to meet a little person who has been an intangible,
unseen presence inside you for nine months. I was utterly lost in
wonder when Akal told me to give a little push-and the next thing
I knew she had placed a baby on my chest!
Neither Jonathan nor I could believe it. Had I just given birth?
It was 9.15 p.m... Somehow I'd had an active labour of about three
hours and there she was, a baby girl, eyes ever so gradually opening
onto her new world, totally calm and breastfeeding within minutes.
Hannah Grace was born! I did it!
 It
was pure elation. Everything transpired dreamlike, in a haze of
newborn love. The umbilical cord was very short, as it had been
with Daniel; it was pressing painfully against my vulva as I pulled
Hannah up towards me to help her reach my breast, so Akal cut the
cord (I can't say when). I pushed the placenta out within about
20 minutes, and then got out of the water to warm up. Since we hadn't
been adding any more warm water to the birth pool, the water had
cooled down. We had to wrap baby Hannah in towels and blankets to
warm her up. She was alert, suckling, 3.020 kilos, perfectly pink
and beautiful. Daniel had gone from the car to bed as I was pushing
her out, and slept in the next room through the excitement. Rowan
stayed around to help for a while, then went home about 11 p.m.
Akal, Jonathan, Hannah and I ate some delicious veggie pie some
friends had made for us (thanks Rob and Sim!) Then we went to bed,
Hannah snuggled in between Jonathan and myself. I don't think Hannah
or I slept much that night-her inky eyes were wide open and staring
into mine. At one point Daniel (in his bed next to ours) woke up
when his sister squawked. We told him the baby had come out of mummy
and he had a little sister. He crawled into our bed, lay down next
to Hannah, wrapped his arm around her, then rolled back into his
bed and fell asleep immediately.
Having a good birth experience really does make those early days
of mothering a newborn easier. I felt physically great (I had only
a mild graze and a sore coccyx), and it took me some time to come
down from the emotional high, so long that I always felt I had enough
sleep even if I woke every two hours to feed my baby, even though
I had a toddler to look after (though with lots of help from friends)!
I have thought a lot about what it was that made this birth so different
from my first, and I really think it was partly that my body had
done it before and just knew better how to do it, and partly that
I really owned the experience. I am tempted to say that it all came
down to the way I approached my pregnancy and labour, but I can't
deny that there is still a mysterious unknown quantity in childbirth.
I do feel proud that I did all 'the right things', but still, I
am also profoundly grateful: Hannah's birth was a gift.
 Hannah
Grace is asleep in a sling as I write this, resting on my chest;
she is by turns peacefully observant or cheerful and engaging. She
rarely cries. Jonathan and I are besotted; even her big brother
showers her with kisses (sometimes a little too ardently!). I wonder
how her birth has affected her already, and how that effect will
manifest itself as she grows up. I hope her smooth journey out of
a calm, empowered mother, and her entry into a world which welcomed
her so gently have imprinted her psyche: I hope she takes for granted
that she can achieve anything she dreams in a life that began without
fear, in an atmosphere of confidence, peace, and celebration.
Akal Khalsa is a Sydney based midwife and provides midwifery services
including: homebirths,
pre-conception consultations, childbirth preparation, nutritional
advise and breastfeeding support.
For more information Contact Akal.
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